perfect dark: zero
Matthew Cash
Seriously, everyone loves GoldenEye 007, don't they? It's undoubtedly the biggest FPS on the N64 and it was made by none other by Rare, the same people who now make the infamously shitty game Grabbed By The Ghoulies. Today, my dear viewers, I shall be covering Perfect Dark: Zero, one of the Xbox 360's launch titles... and my response to it is not favorable.
The original game was good. This isn't. "But, why!" I hear you say with a tear in your eye. Well, my good sir or madam, because, quite frankly, it has a good deal of problems. Starting with the story. It's bullshit. Go here, blow this up, go to next level and not explain anything. Oh, and here's a spoiler for you: Your dumbass daddy-o dies because he was retarded enough to run out in front of a crapload of gunfire and pretty much killed himself. Happy?
Anyway, the campaign is short, reaching about 8 levels or so which last about 20 - 30 minutes each. The problem here is that it's tedious as all hell with your absurdly slow running speed (she ran 3x as fast in the original game. She needs to go to the gym or something if she's that damn slow). God, you want to to just friggin' RUN, but she slowly walks, pretty much, taking a stroll and shooting at enemies. Which brings me to my next problem: the sensitivity. Remember how bad it was in the first Killzone with it's jagged movement? Well, this is like that, but less jaggy, yet somehow equally as bad. This makes enduring the enemies attacks a major ass-pain and often gets you killed if you're in an intense firefight. So, should you play the campaign? Hell no. If you get this, go to the only worthwhile feature of this game...
Bot matches. They're awesome. You have around 5 or 6 maps, but you can change the amount of space is open to the players with small, medium, and large map size options. Though, it should be noted that the best map to pick is Urban Small because of it's balance. THe others can have you surrounded by at least 6 other players at once, when I usually had 2 players shooting at me at the most at any time., making disposing of these complete fucked-up pieces of s-word AI less of an exercise. This was the mode I played the most while spending time with this game, often staying up to 2:00 in the morning just racking up those kills. It doesn't have a raking system and I know I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't care about those leveling-up things. As long as I'm having fun, I'll continue to play it simply because I don't need the satisfaction of hitting thr Private First Class rank to like a game (though I'm not saying those systems are bad. I love those systems, though I just don't need them).
The presentation is coming up now simply because you, my good friends, should now know the procedure for my reviews. In terms of graphics, it looks like it's supposed to: a launch title. Nothing looks detailed but the guns and the environments look a bit drab and not exciting in the least. In terms of audio quality, well, I'll let you guys decide. Tell me if this sounds good to you: Shitty voice acting, forgettable music, mediocre sound effects that repeat ALL THE TIME, and, well, everything else. Sound good? No? That's what I thought.
Overall, Perfect Dark Zero is flawed. Even with the excellent bot matches, the sometimes buggy gameplay mixed with a boring campaign, throw-away audio quality, slow walking movements, bad pacing, and poor sensitivity make this a bad game to go with. However, I still do recommend it just for the bot matches. Just make sure you don't touch anything else.
Score: 4.75
Seriously, everyone loves GoldenEye 007, don't they? It's undoubtedly the biggest FPS on the N64 and it was made by none other by Rare, the same people who now make the infamously shitty game Grabbed By The Ghoulies. Today, my dear viewers, I shall be covering Perfect Dark: Zero, one of the Xbox 360's launch titles... and my response to it is not favorable.
The original game was good. This isn't. "But, why!" I hear you say with a tear in your eye. Well, my good sir or madam, because, quite frankly, it has a good deal of problems. Starting with the story. It's bullshit. Go here, blow this up, go to next level and not explain anything. Oh, and here's a spoiler for you: Your dumbass daddy-o dies because he was retarded enough to run out in front of a crapload of gunfire and pretty much killed himself. Happy?
Anyway, the campaign is short, reaching about 8 levels or so which last about 20 - 30 minutes each. The problem here is that it's tedious as all hell with your absurdly slow running speed (she ran 3x as fast in the original game. She needs to go to the gym or something if she's that damn slow). God, you want to to just friggin' RUN, but she slowly walks, pretty much, taking a stroll and shooting at enemies. Which brings me to my next problem: the sensitivity. Remember how bad it was in the first Killzone with it's jagged movement? Well, this is like that, but less jaggy, yet somehow equally as bad. This makes enduring the enemies attacks a major ass-pain and often gets you killed if you're in an intense firefight. So, should you play the campaign? Hell no. If you get this, go to the only worthwhile feature of this game...
Bot matches. They're awesome. You have around 5 or 6 maps, but you can change the amount of space is open to the players with small, medium, and large map size options. Though, it should be noted that the best map to pick is Urban Small because of it's balance. THe others can have you surrounded by at least 6 other players at once, when I usually had 2 players shooting at me at the most at any time., making disposing of these complete fucked-up pieces of s-word AI less of an exercise. This was the mode I played the most while spending time with this game, often staying up to 2:00 in the morning just racking up those kills. It doesn't have a raking system and I know I've said it before and I'll say it again: I don't care about those leveling-up things. As long as I'm having fun, I'll continue to play it simply because I don't need the satisfaction of hitting thr Private First Class rank to like a game (though I'm not saying those systems are bad. I love those systems, though I just don't need them).
The presentation is coming up now simply because you, my good friends, should now know the procedure for my reviews. In terms of graphics, it looks like it's supposed to: a launch title. Nothing looks detailed but the guns and the environments look a bit drab and not exciting in the least. In terms of audio quality, well, I'll let you guys decide. Tell me if this sounds good to you: Shitty voice acting, forgettable music, mediocre sound effects that repeat ALL THE TIME, and, well, everything else. Sound good? No? That's what I thought.
Overall, Perfect Dark Zero is flawed. Even with the excellent bot matches, the sometimes buggy gameplay mixed with a boring campaign, throw-away audio quality, slow walking movements, bad pacing, and poor sensitivity make this a bad game to go with. However, I still do recommend it just for the bot matches. Just make sure you don't touch anything else.
Score: 4.75